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This week will mark 17 years that I’ve been married to my life-mate. Reflecting on the perspective changes that 17 years has brought, reminds me of the perspective changes I’ve experienced while following Jesus.
The Naiveté of Youth
In 1998, I had no idea what I was committing myself to when I made a covenant to share life with Heather. She had no idea either. I loved her (though my understanding of love has deepened and broadened considerably since). As inwardly focused as I was at that time, I thought she’d support me in my arrogant pursuits for significance.
Neither of us realized the darkness we’d walk through, the stupid choices I’d make. And there’s no way we could’ve understood the life-altering changes children would bring.
You could say I was naive when I married. Aren’t we all? What I thought I was signing up for turned out to be laughably misguided contrasted with what this marriage thing has actually looked like.
The young lady I married is very different to the wife I now honor and remain committed to (in incredibly wonderful ways). And thankfully for her, I’m very different from the selfish, egotistical young man I was 17 years ago. The more I’ve discovered about the depths, nuances, and sometimes strangeness of who Heather is, the more I’ve wanted to remain committed to her.
More Than a Friend
Following Jesus is similar to this. When I first committed myself to following Jesus, I considered him a friend, somewhat of an older brother who understood this chaotic life better than me and would help me navigate it in a way more pleasing to his Father.
As the years have passed, Jesus seems to be farther and farther ahead of me. He seems different and almost unfamiliar many times. I can relate to the disciples in Mark’s gospel: “Jesus was walking ahead of them, and they were amazed and overwhelmed with fear” (Mark 10.32).
I get that.
The longer I follow Jesus, the more amazement and fear mix together producing a sense of dismay.
I was called to preach sometime after I decided to really follow Jesus. Seminary unfortunately bolstered my false assurance that I had this Jesus guy figured out.
These days Jesus seems less like my friendly counselor than I first thought. He has a point of view I really know nothing about. He’s still leading me but I have no idea where he is going, and I’m done trying to figure it out.
Embracing Darkness
In 17 years of marriage, the temptation during dark periods of dismay has been to look back at a more innocent time, when enthusiasm was strong, problems seemed rare, and happiness abounded. The more difficult task has been to endure the dismay with honesty, vulnerability, and perseverance. When I’ve chosen to endure, the result has been a more profound understanding of who I am, who my wife is, and what our covenant with each other looks like.
So, too, with following Jesus. When dismayed, it’s easier to look back at the simpler time: remember the songs that once filled my heart, read the scripture that illuminated my understanding, somehow recapture the feeling of Jesus as my friend.
The harder way is to endure in learning how to follow Jesus differently, more truly, more like the human his Father dreams for me to be.
Embracing the darkness of following Jesus yields a joy that’s hard to describe.
He’s still guiding me. I still don’t know where he’s going. I understand very little, but I trust him more.